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dream [Feb. 12th, 2010|02:42 am]
It was my first day at the compound. Everything was a sterile shade of grey, from the walls to the staff, everything seemed so controlled and clean. I believe I arrive late but I can't quite remember if I arrived at all. All that I do know is that I was in a room, not unlike a high school gymnasium, filled with people waiting for the days events to being. The instructor emerged from what seemed like thin air and began, well, he began instructing. As he was talking a Mech, a humanoid machine with enough room for one pilot, emerged from the back of the room. It was attached to a crane with was holding most of its weight. Once it came to a stop a small group of men removed it lower half, its legs. As a class, we were shown the entrance into the mech. There were no stairs just a bubble of clear fluid, that protruded from its waist where the legs had been removed. We were to reach our arms into this fluid and once contact was made we were sucked slowly into the cockpit. Once we were comfortably secure in the cockpit the lower half of the mech was put back into place. The rest of the day was spent learning how the control the various functions of the mech, walking, running, and most importantly fighting. To the shock of my instructors and classmates alike I excelled at all the fore-mentioned  activities. They said I was a natural. I was going somewhere.

The next day I showed up wearing jean shorts and sandals, this apparently is banned and I would not be allowed to participate in the days activities wearing the clothes I had on. I had to find a new outfit and quick. The only problem being is that we were not allowed to leave the compound and that seemed to be my only option if I wanted to participate. I snuck out. Out into the world which looking surprisingly like Derby Connecticut. 

The First thing I remember is being in a large parking lot which lay between a rundown  strip-mall and a deserted highway. I made my way to the sporting goods store and asked the clerk a thing or two. He seemed to be attracted to me but that wasn't important, even thought one would think it would be. I had to buy socks and a new pair of shorts which I found rather quickly. i paid and was soon on my way,

I must have hitched a ride with someone, trying to get back to the compound, but found myself at a large entertainment center. It had movie theaters, a reception area, which was being used for a wedding, and an ice hockey rink. The compound was below the Ice hockey rink so thats where I headed. Not knowing exactly where to go I wandered around the rink for a while. I must have found some ice skates because I was skating with well trained hockey players and holding my own. Soon I tired of this and left the rink and entered a small room off the rink. 

It is here where my world collapsed. When I entered the room I found some friends and some strangers, all of whom were waiting for my arrival. Before they had time to explain, things began to crumble and fall from the world. The ice skating rink was the first to good, falling down into the world, revealing cliffs and an abyss that I could not see the bottom of. The stadium was next to go and with it the walls of the stadium. The new world was starting to come into picture, My company and I where balancing on what remained of the floor of the small room off the rink. We looked around at the open sky above and the emptiness bellow. Fear started to set in. Soon we saw the creatures of this world flying overhead, Some of them were dark and foreboding while other possessed a certain levity about them. One of the creatures came down to meet me and my company. It looked like a very large manta-ray from a distance but as it came closer I could see that instead of the sleek skin possessed by it water-bound brethren this fellow had a coat of soft blue fur. It came to a stop and motioned for us to mount it. Obviously we did as this creature requested for who know what would have happen if we did not. It took off in a slow gentle motion. 

As we flew into the wintery sky I could see where we previously resided. The small room off the rink was smack between two ancient looking mountain. As we flew past the mountain I witnessed the marriage between the Goblin Queen and The Mountain King which took place on the face of a cliff. They stood side by side, not touching but proclaiming their union to whomever had the ears to listen, maybe to the sky or to the earth itself. This union was not holy and I had to do something. I jumped off my furry blue sky manta-ray and landed in between the royal newlyweds. I proceeded to grab the cliff they were standing on and rip the mountain in two as I fell steadily to the ground. I remember repeating this action a few times. I woke up before I could suffer the wrath of those I have wronged. 

Someone tell me what this means 
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(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2008|01:06 am]
Christmas? really? It doesn't feel like christmas. Working in retail makes life a little dull around the edges. Weeks start to lose their meaning and turn into hours, which equates to the amount of money one will have after a two week pay period. I guess I forgot that after this two week pay period an international holiday of joy and gift giving will take place. Snuck up on me I guess. My dad is getting an iTouch and mom is getting some kitchen stuff since she is now all about losing weight. I got an iPhone which im really do love at the moment. Life is pretty stagnant at the moment. Don't have much to write about I guess.
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2008|11:56 pm]
I've always wanted to ability to fly. I also want a body that I can be proud of. I want to create something that changes the world. I want to find a man. I want a house. I want a big dog. I want to find a secret meadow in the middle of a magical forest. I want telekinesis. I want to fight for something I love. I want money. I want a new wardrobe. I want a battle axe. I want a magical sword that is engulfed in flames that will strike down my enemies in one fiery blow. I want to go on an adventure. I want my friends back. I want a super computer. I want to be able sing anything. I want a fast car. I want a crotch rocket.

I know what I want but have no clue as to what I need.
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(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2008|01:56 am]
Sometimes you just gotta smile. This statement couldn't have been more true for me around my sophomore year of college. It was the end of a tough semester and I wasn't doing as well as I planned. I was chatting it up with a fellow classmate Keri in the music building when life played a little joke on me. For those of you who know me, you might have noticed that when Im standing I usually stand on one foot with the other crossed and pointed on the ground. Sometimes I lose my balance which is when I uncross my legs and regain my footing. Well this was the very scenario in the music building but when I went to uncross my legs I found I couldn't. My foot was perfectly caught between the floor and a bench to my left. I fell straight on my butt, my shoe flying through the air. It hurt but it was so goddamn funny. Keri was worried at first but after she saw that I was laughing she joined in. I guess thats life
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(no subject) [Aug. 20th, 2008|12:51 am]
once again I find myself questioning my level of paranoia and if its healthy or not to constantly question the actions of your supposed best friend. First off, you called me at 2:45 or so and left a message which implied that you wanted to hang out today. Begrudgingly I returned your call and received your oh so pleasant voice mail. Still no word from you at 5pm so I send you a jolly little text message. Still nothing. I receive a text at 8:15 stating you left your phone outside and I should give you a call tomorrow. I didn't respond to this because I had nothing to say to you. I know If I called someone to hangout I would keep check on the location of my cellphone and 8:15 is not that late so why should I not call you till tomorrow. Why respond via text message instead of calling me? these questions run through my mind while I have my midnight cigaret. Yes I am a little paranoid when it comes to our friendship and rightfully so. YOUR A LIAR. I just don't understand why you would call me in the first place. So im done with you for a while, you've been annoying me anyways.
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(no subject) [Aug. 18th, 2008|12:45 am]
I'm pretty sure anyone who once frequented this live journal are now long gone. I'm not particularly upset about this, in fact its probably since most of my friends, the people who read this journal most, have now moved on to bigger and better internet endeavors. Im not sure why I still post here.

Since senior year of high school I have had this on going personally isolated drama involving my friend joe and i. I like him. He is not gay yet he still shows more than the frequent sign of affection towards me. This is one of the most destructive relationships I have ever had yet I don't know how to give him up. I told him how i fell about him about 4 months ago. He asked "how do we fix this". I couldn't answer him at the time because of the emotional flood that was washing over me. The rejection was overwhelming for a time. Now things are back to normal, mainly since I decided to act as if things are normal between us. I am actively trying to get over him by going on dates and trying to meet new people but as the summer comes to a close I fear I will fall into the same trap I have walked into so many times before. All my friends are going back to their respective colleges or wherever and Im basically stuck with Joe as my only escape from my parents house. I pray to whatever god that still exists that I can find a man to occupy my life so I don't resort to my usual tactic of emotional fulfillment. This tactic is shallow and painful to fall on.

I graduated college on may 11th. "What are you doing with your college education?" is one of the most common questions thrown at me this summer. The answer is working at a local gamestop for a little above minimum wage. I got my BA in Music management, a double major in which I work very hard to get, at least for my first two years. During my senior year of college I found myself becoming less interested in pursuing a career in the music industry. I became more and more disgusted with the way "artist" came to be and how the record industry has ben shaped in the last four years. I decided that this obviously wasn't a path I was destined to take. Instead I plan on pursuing a career in the video game industry, my only true passion. Some people laugh, not to my face because I would be offended but in their own time. I hope this childish dream of becoming the most accomplished game developer of all time isn't just a waste of time because I feel I could be something great.

I've stopped smoking weed excessively. Not many would pin me as a pot head but I was for the past two years. This is mainly due to the fact that joe, who I previously mentioned, was a pot head and it brought me closer to him. What people will do for the chance of love, eh? Anyways, in the past 4 months I have smoked 4 times. I take that as a huge accomplishment since I think I smoke at least once a day for the past two years. Sadly I have picked up another dirty smoking habit that isn't illegal. Cigarets. I plan on quitting but wonder is this is something I want to quit and if I need an addiction to function properly. Everyone has their vices but at least I can make smoke rings out of mine.
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The fight for the love of a boy [Jul. 26th, 2008|12:48 am]
He is mine. I make sure he knows this. When he comes home I make sure there is no one else around so his attention can be unquestionable mine. Zoro is always a challenge to get rid of, he is a fierce warrior and all the animals fear his presence but not me. He might be price of the outside world but when he enters my domain I can see the fear in his eyes. I am bigger, louder and might even be faster than him. He does have one advantage, his claws. My paws might be big but they are nothing compared to his vicious swipes aimed at my snout. In the end I emerge victorious, but not unscathed. Mitsy is another story. She is the oldest of us all and it shows. All she does is sleep and eat and but I know deep inside of her dwells a fire that not even I can match. She never poses a real threat so I usually just leave her alone. The worst of them is Toby. He is beautiful, large and far faster than me. The boy always pays attention to him, whenever he is in the room I can tell because the boy cannot stop looking at him. I can't stand it, and I don't. I have successfully chased him out of every room of the house. His only domain is the basement and the old people's room. But still the boy can't seem to realize that this creature is weak and scared and he still pays it attention. I know when the boy brings his dirty cloths down into the basement to be washed he is actually going down there to spend time with toby. I have come close to convincing Toby that the boy hates him, but he refuses to believe. He tells me "He has never hurt me" but I reassure him that the only reason I am so hard on him is because of the boys encouragement. The boy does in fact initiate most of my chases involving toby but I have a suspicion that it is just another game to the boy. What the boy doesn't understand is my violence is just another sign of my love for him. I do all this for him and he does pay me the most attention of all. What I fear most is one day Toby will realize that he too posses the same claws as Zoro and if he ever used them against me I am sure he would be much stronger than Zoro and might cause some serious harm upon my snout. Honestly, I deserve whatever violence comes my way but luckily Toby too afraid to ever fight back. So whenever this fear sets itself upon me I just repeat my mantra "He is mine". I proceed to clear the room and receive my much deserved loved from the boy.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Flickas constant attacks would be completely unbearable if she wasn't afraid of the basement stairs. That is my only haven, my sanctuary if you will from the fear and torment I face in the living room. The old people insist on placing the food in the kitchen so I have no choice but to venture in the danger zone. I can usually hide my presence but sometimes the boy sees me before I can make it the kitchen table and flicka will be after soon there after. Sometimes I think the boy hates me but I can't be sure. Sometimes, when the boy comes to the basement, I push aside my fear and let him pet me. During these rare moments I forget about Flicka and realize that the boy really does care for me. His hand is adapt at petting and often I find myself drooling. I wish I could show him my love for him more often but the consequence for this simple action could be my life. Flicka is obsessed with this boy and will do anything for him. She rolls on command, sits upright and even chases me relentlessly when he commands it. I still don't know why he tells Flicka I am in the next room when she doesn't see me but he does. I just want to be left alone but the bitch one have it. Zoro and Mitsy have it easy. Zoro uses violence against the dog but that only staves her off temporarily and I know if I ever resorted to the same violence her attacks would become more deadly. Mitsy is ancient and unpredictable giving her an air of strength that even flicka can't compete with. I have none of these, I am the youngest of the three and am subject to running from room to room just to get some food. I don't understand the boys motives but I do think he loves me I just can't rick our love being known to flicka. So i live my life in fear and solitude cherishing my rare moments with the boy.

I watch my dog run around like a fool when I enter the house and laugh. "She is so jealous", i say to myself. Eventually I am greeted with a wave of licks when she is done clearing the area of cats and anyone else who could steal my attention from her. I guess its not the best thing to encourage these actions but its so entertaining. The dog will basically do anything I say and I love that. The unquestionable loyalty that is only possible when unconditional love is granted, that is why I love her so much. I could be gone for 5 minutes or 5 days and the reaction would be the same. It as if she is saying "I am so happy your back!". Toby is annoying. He never comes when I call and rarely lets me pet him. He is so afraid of flicka and I am mostly responsible for that but if the stupid cat just paid me some more attention maybe I would stop sending my loyal friend after him. The other cats are not as nearly afraid of flicka as toby and thats the only reason why she has such control over him. I do love him but he is just too afraid for his own good and if he can't get over it then there is no purpose trying so hard to get him to pay me some attention. I much prefer my dog anyways.
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(no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2008|02:44 am]
I waited for you for quite some time. I know now that you were never mine to have. I am not exactly sad about this, even though it does pain me to look back on all the time I wasted on you. You say you are trying to "be a man" but still you act like a child. I can still see the selfish little boy that uses up the people around him until he has no use for them any longer. I'm not sure what you want from this shadow of a friendship, if you want anything at all. I don't talk to you anymore, I know that must be awkward for you, but can you even imagine how it feels to have to person you love most in this world deny you the only thing you've ever ask of them? In some way i feel that I am "over" you, but how could I possibly be over a person how has shaped my life for so long. Even though your not around to influence my thoughts and actions, I still find myself asking "what would joe do?". Its almost comical how little you actually care about me. I really wonder if you know how much you have hurt me.

I don't fully understand my own emotions when it comes to you and this situation. I can't put my finger on why I still feel like I need to be with you but god knows that longing is there. I told you how I felt, every little emotion that I kept only for myself , hoping it would make you realize that someone could actually love you. I know you don't want anyone to love you, but thats not how love works. I opened my heart up and you decided to "fix me". Does this mean there is something wrong with me? I don't believe thats the case, rather there is something seriously wrong with you. We both know this to be true and I hoped to finally fix that part of you that desperately needed healing, even though thats the last things you want people to do. You don't let me in anymore. Probably because you know I don't want to help you any longer.

I could be so mean to you if I wanted, make every social situation awkward and uncomfortable for everyone but I chose the high road. We maintain our friendship, or what is left of it. I wonder if you'll ever be able to love someone. I hope I am not around to see it, as awful as that sounds, because I don't think I could maintain formalities knowing I was a contender for your love but lost miserably to another person. I desperately wanted to cut you out of my life like a surgeon removes a cancerous tumor but that was not possible. You'll live your life like nothing ever happened between us trying to make things seem normal again but what you'll never understand is that by acting as if nothing ever happened makes our friendship, our time together, seem completely pointless and we both know that is far from the truth. Every time I see you the pain and anger comes rushing back and the fact that you will never recognize that we could have had something, who knows what that something is. This hurts far worse than any insult you could throw my way. Your trying to help but, like always, you're only making things worse. I'll keep it to myself though, let you live in your own little world. You like it that way anyways.
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I've decided... [Dec. 21st, 2007|11:04 pm]

I make up my mind too easily. I decide things and then hold fast to those decisions without knowing if it was the right decision to make. This personality trait is something I need to weed out. By eliminating this trait I can keep my mind open to more point- of- views. I often think I'm right, and often I am, but even more frequently I am not possitive of my rightness. But by keeping my mind open I can continue to understand the mindsets of those around me and once I gain a full understanding of that I can make a informed desicion on many things. Informed decision making is definitly the way to go. I think thats it for now.

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Maybe I just feel like talkin... [Oct. 12th, 2007|01:21 am]
[Current Location |My room]
[music |Hand In My Pocket]

Life has taken its tole on me this semester. Has something ever happened to you that you would NEVER think possible? Like for example a friend in which you have a crush on for years finally starts to reciprocate only to cut you off at that very instant. Now you have a taste of what could be but never will. This is something I could have gone without. I pretty sure I would have rather he had not done anything than be a fucking tease. But thats that and just one of the many complications in the life of Jason. But enough of this complaining. In reality my life is going wonderfully. Im in my senior year of college, I came out to my parents, I landed an internship in the city and if thats not enough I got a principle role in the musical at my school. For a while whats his face was in the "Things that are going great in my life" column. Oh well. But all these steps I take in my life in the "right" direction seem to be taking me further and further away from what I always picture myself doing in the future. Not a specific doing as much as a general view of what Jason would be. Oh and I recently lost 60 pounds WOO HOO Me. So honestly I am in a really good place in my life just coupled with complicated relationships. In short that has been my life so far this semester, excluding only minimal details.
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