| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2008|01:06 am] |
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Christmas? really? It doesn't feel like christmas. Working in retail makes life a little dull around the edges. Weeks start to lose their meaning and turn into hours, which equates to the amount of money one will have after a two week pay period. I guess I forgot that after this two week pay period an international holiday of joy and gift giving will take place. Snuck up on me I guess. My dad is getting an iTouch and mom is getting some kitchen stuff since she is now all about losing weight. I got an iPhone which im really do love at the moment. Life is pretty stagnant at the moment. Don't have much to write about I guess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2008|11:56 pm] |
I've always wanted to ability to fly. I also want a body that I can be proud of. I want to create something that changes the world. I want to find a man. I want a house. I want a big dog. I want to find a secret meadow in the middle of a magical forest. I want telekinesis. I want to fight for something I love. I want money. I want a new wardrobe. I want a battle axe. I want a magical sword that is engulfed in flames that will strike down my enemies in one fiery blow. I want to go on an adventure. I want my friends back. I want a super computer. I want to be able sing anything. I want a fast car. I want a crotch rocket.
I know what I want but have no clue as to what I need. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|01:56 am] |
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Sometimes you just gotta smile. This statement couldn't have been more true for me around my sophomore year of college. It was the end of a tough semester and I wasn't doing as well as I planned. I was chatting it up with a fellow classmate Keri in the music building when life played a little joke on me. For those of you who know me, you might have noticed that when Im standing I usually stand on one foot with the other crossed and pointed on the ground. Sometimes I lose my balance which is when I uncross my legs and regain my footing. Well this was the very scenario in the music building but when I went to uncross my legs I found I couldn't. My foot was perfectly caught between the floor and a bench to my left. I fell straight on my butt, my shoe flying through the air. It hurt but it was so goddamn funny. Keri was worried at first but after she saw that I was laughing she joined in. I guess thats life |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|12:51 am] |
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once again I find myself questioning my level of paranoia and if its healthy or not to constantly question the actions of your supposed best friend. First off, you called me at 2:45 or so and left a message which implied that you wanted to hang out today. Begrudgingly I returned your call and received your oh so pleasant voice mail. Still no word from you at 5pm so I send you a jolly little text message. Still nothing. I receive a text at 8:15 stating you left your phone outside and I should give you a call tomorrow. I didn't respond to this because I had nothing to say to you. I know If I called someone to hangout I would keep check on the location of my cellphone and 8:15 is not that late so why should I not call you till tomorrow. Why respond via text message instead of calling me? these questions run through my mind while I have my midnight cigaret. Yes I am a little paranoid when it comes to our friendship and rightfully so. YOUR A LIAR. I just don't understand why you would call me in the first place. So im done with you for a while, you've been annoying me anyways. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|12:45 am] |
I'm pretty sure anyone who once frequented this live journal are now long gone. I'm not particularly upset about this, in fact its probably since most of my friends, the people who read this journal most, have now moved on to bigger and better internet endeavors. Im not sure why I still post here.
Since senior year of high school I have had this on going personally isolated drama involving my friend joe and i. I like him. He is not gay yet he still shows more than the frequent sign of affection towards me. This is one of the most destructive relationships I have ever had yet I don't know how to give him up. I told him how i fell about him about 4 months ago. He asked "how do we fix this". I couldn't answer him at the time because of the emotional flood that was washing over me. The rejection was overwhelming for a time. Now things are back to normal, mainly since I decided to act as if things are normal between us. I am actively trying to get over him by going on dates and trying to meet new people but as the summer comes to a close I fear I will fall into the same trap I have walked into so many times before. All my friends are going back to their respective colleges or wherever and Im basically stuck with Joe as my only escape from my parents house. I pray to whatever god that still exists that I can find a man to occupy my life so I don't resort to my usual tactic of emotional fulfillment. This tactic is shallow and painful to fall on.
I graduated college on may 11th. "What are you doing with your college education?" is one of the most common questions thrown at me this summer. The answer is working at a local gamestop for a little above minimum wage. I got my BA in Music management, a double major in which I work very hard to get, at least for my first two years. During my senior year of college I found myself becoming less interested in pursuing a career in the music industry. I became more and more disgusted with the way "artist" came to be and how the record industry has ben shaped in the last four years. I decided that this obviously wasn't a path I was destined to take. Instead I plan on pursuing a career in the video game industry, my only true passion. Some people laugh, not to my face because I would be offended but in their own time. I hope this childish dream of becoming the most accomplished game developer of all time isn't just a waste of time because I feel I could be something great.
I've stopped smoking weed excessively. Not many would pin me as a pot head but I was for the past two years. This is mainly due to the fact that joe, who I previously mentioned, was a pot head and it brought me closer to him. What people will do for the chance of love, eh? Anyways, in the past 4 months I have smoked 4 times. I take that as a huge accomplishment since I think I smoke at least once a day for the past two years. Sadly I have picked up another dirty smoking habit that isn't illegal. Cigarets. I plan on quitting but wonder is this is something I want to quit and if I need an addiction to function properly. Everyone has their vices but at least I can make smoke rings out of mine. |
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| The fight for the love of a boy |
[Jul. 26th, 2008|12:48 am] |
He is mine. I make sure he knows this. When he comes home I make sure there is no one else around so his attention can be unquestionable mine. Zoro is always a challenge to get rid of, he is a fierce warrior and all the animals fear his presence but not me. He might be price of the outside world but when he enters my domain I can see the fear in his eyes. I am bigger, louder and might even be faster than him. He does have one advantage, his claws. My paws might be big but they are nothing compared to his vicious swipes aimed at my snout. In the end I emerge victorious, but not unscathed. Mitsy is another story. She is the oldest of us all and it shows. All she does is sleep and eat and but I know deep inside of her dwells a fire that not even I can match. She never poses a real threat so I usually just leave her alone. The worst of them is Toby. He is beautiful, large and far faster than me. The boy always pays attention to him, whenever he is in the room I can tell because the boy cannot stop looking at him. I can't stand it, and I don't. I have successfully chased him out of every room of the house. His only domain is the basement and the old people's room. But still the boy can't seem to realize that this creature is weak and scared and he still pays it attention. I know when the boy brings his dirty cloths down into the basement to be washed he is actually going down there to spend time with toby. I have come close to convincing Toby that the boy hates him, but he refuses to believe. He tells me "He has never hurt me" but I reassure him that the only reason I am so hard on him is because of the boys encouragement. The boy does in fact initiate most of my chases involving toby but I have a suspicion that it is just another game to the boy. What the boy doesn't understand is my violence is just another sign of my love for him. I do all this for him and he does pay me the most attention of all. What I fear most is one day Toby will realize that he too posses the same claws as Zoro and if he ever used them against me I am sure he would be much stronger than Zoro and might cause some serious harm upon my snout. Honestly, I deserve whatever violence comes my way but luckily Toby too afraid to ever fight back. So whenever this fear sets itself upon me I just repeat my mantra "He is mine". I proceed to clear the room and receive my much deserved loved from the boy.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. Flickas constant attacks would be completely unbearable if she wasn't afraid of the basement stairs. That is my only haven, my sanctuary if you will from the fear and torment I face in the living room. The old people insist on placing the food in the kitchen so I have no choice but to venture in the danger zone. I can usually hide my presence but sometimes the boy sees me before I can make it the kitchen table and flicka will be after soon there after. Sometimes I think the boy hates me but I can't be sure. Sometimes, when the boy comes to the basement, I push aside my fear and let him pet me. During these rare moments I forget about Flicka and realize that the boy really does care for me. His hand is adapt at petting and often I find myself drooling. I wish I could show him my love for him more often but the consequence for this simple action could be my life. Flicka is obsessed with this boy and will do anything for him. She rolls on command, sits upright and even chases me relentlessly when he commands it. I still don't know why he tells Flicka I am in the next room when she doesn't see me but he does. I just want to be left alone but the bitch one have it. Zoro and Mitsy have it easy. Zoro uses violence against the dog but that only staves her off temporarily and I know if I ever resorted to the same violence her attacks would become more deadly. Mitsy is ancient and unpredictable giving her an air of strength that even flicka can't compete with. I have none of these, I am the youngest of the three and am subject to running from room to room just to get some food. I don't understand the boys motives but I do think he loves me I just can't rick our love being known to flicka. So i live my life in fear and solitude cherishing my rare moments with the boy.
I watch my dog run around like a fool when I enter the house and laugh. "She is so jealous", i say to myself. Eventually I am greeted with a wave of licks when she is done clearing the area of cats and anyone else who could steal my attention from her. I guess its not the best thing to encourage these actions but its so entertaining. The dog will basically do anything I say and I love that. The unquestionable loyalty that is only possible when unconditional love is granted, that is why I love her so much. I could be gone for 5 minutes or 5 days and the reaction would be the same. It as if she is saying "I am so happy your back!". Toby is annoying. He never comes when I call and rarely lets me pet him. He is so afraid of flicka and I am mostly responsible for that but if the stupid cat just paid me some more attention maybe I would stop sending my loyal friend after him. The other cats are not as nearly afraid of flicka as toby and thats the only reason why she has such control over him. I do love him but he is just too afraid for his own good and if he can't get over it then there is no purpose trying so hard to get him to pay me some attention. I much prefer my dog anyways. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2008|02:44 am] |
I waited for you for quite some time. I know now that you were never mine to have. I am not exactly sad about this, even though it does pain me to look back on all the time I wasted on you. You say you are trying to "be a man" but still you act like a child. I can still see the selfish little boy that uses up the people around him until he has no use for them any longer. I'm not sure what you want from this shadow of a friendship, if you want anything at all. I don't talk to you anymore, I know that must be awkward for you, but can you even imagine how it feels to have to person you love most in this world deny you the only thing you've ever ask of them? In some way i feel that I am "over" you, but how could I possibly be over a person how has shaped my life for so long. Even though your not around to influence my thoughts and actions, I still find myself asking "what would joe do?". Its almost comical how little you actually care about me. I really wonder if you know how much you have hurt me.
I don't fully understand my own emotions when it comes to you and this situation. I can't put my finger on why I still feel like I need to be with you but god knows that longing is there. I told you how I felt, every little emotion that I kept only for myself , hoping it would make you realize that someone could actually love you. I know you don't want anyone to love you, but thats not how love works. I opened my heart up and you decided to "fix me". Does this mean there is something wrong with me? I don't believe thats the case, rather there is something seriously wrong with you. We both know this to be true and I hoped to finally fix that part of you that desperately needed healing, even though thats the last things you want people to do. You don't let me in anymore. Probably because you know I don't want to help you any longer.
I could be so mean to you if I wanted, make every social situation awkward and uncomfortable for everyone but I chose the high road. We maintain our friendship, or what is left of it. I wonder if you'll ever be able to love someone. I hope I am not around to see it, as awful as that sounds, because I don't think I could maintain formalities knowing I was a contender for your love but lost miserably to another person. I desperately wanted to cut you out of my life like a surgeon removes a cancerous tumor but that was not possible. You'll live your life like nothing ever happened between us trying to make things seem normal again but what you'll never understand is that by acting as if nothing ever happened makes our friendship, our time together, seem completely pointless and we both know that is far from the truth. Every time I see you the pain and anger comes rushing back and the fact that you will never recognize that we could have had something, who knows what that something is. This hurts far worse than any insult you could throw my way. Your trying to help but, like always, you're only making things worse. I'll keep it to myself though, let you live in your own little world. You like it that way anyways. |
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| I've decided... |
[Dec. 21st, 2007|11:04 pm] |
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I make up my mind too easily. I decide things and then hold fast to those decisions without knowing if it was the right decision to make. This personality trait is something I need to weed out. By eliminating this trait I can keep my mind open to more point- of- views. I often think I'm right, and often I am, but even more frequently I am not possitive of my rightness. But by keeping my mind open I can continue to understand the mindsets of those around me and once I gain a full understanding of that I can make a informed desicion on many things. Informed decision making is definitly the way to go. I think thats it for now. |
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| Maybe I just feel like talkin... |
[Oct. 12th, 2007|01:21 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My room | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hand In My Pocket | ] |
Life has taken its tole on me this semester. Has something ever happened to you that you would NEVER think possible? Like for example a friend in which you have a crush on for years finally starts to reciprocate only to cut you off at that very instant. Now you have a taste of what could be but never will. This is something I could have gone without. I pretty sure I would have rather he had not done anything than be a fucking tease. But thats that and just one of the many complications in the life of Jason. But enough of this complaining. In reality my life is going wonderfully. Im in my senior year of college, I came out to my parents, I landed an internship in the city and if thats not enough I got a principle role in the musical at my school. For a while whats his face was in the "Things that are going great in my life" column. Oh well. But all these steps I take in my life in the "right" direction seem to be taking me further and further away from what I always picture myself doing in the future. Not a specific doing as much as a general view of what Jason would be. Oh and I recently lost 60 pounds WOO HOO Me. So honestly I am in a really good place in my life just coupled with complicated relationships. In short that has been my life so far this semester, excluding only minimal details. |
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| Hello everyone |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|12:17 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Lots and Lots of Queen | ] |
Wow, Jason is updating his livejournal?! Yes it is true, the long lost blogger has returned, if only for a brief period of time. In reality I never left but quietly observed the goings on of Livejournal from the sidelines. YOu all have been very interesting and have entertained me enough to keep me coming back for more but I feel its time for a long overdue update.
So my life has been pretty eventful/ uneventful since the end of my junior year of college. I've become the sandwich and ice cream king by conquering the realm of Subway and returning to my long forgotten thrown at Carvel. There was some resistance upon my return to Carvel but that was easily dealt with. With a little charm and a smile even the coldest hearts can be melted. Except for one, and it belongs to the Ice Queen, Michelle, who insists on fighting me at every step. But she is nothing to worry about.
I am also conquering my struggle with obessity this summer, losing almost 30 pounds since the end of april. Hopefully ill be down 40 pounds before school starts ups again. I have big plans to go to the gym as often as possible for the rest of the summer to help me achieve this goal.
My lovelife is as inactive as always and I could care less. Hopefully by losing weight I will finally be comfortable enought to open myself up to another person. I feel like I always say that, but I mean it this time. I am all about finding someone this year. I dont care if I have the perfect body or if im not the smartest kids on the block. I have a lot to offer and we'll just leave it at that.
I now own all three next/current gen video game systems and couldn't be happier. Now no one can bitch me out for not liking the Wii since I own it and its still lame. But if it ever gets better Ill be the first to say, trust me. I wish there were more video games available but im really looking forward to this years holiday line up. Hopefully this new batch of games will help push gaming in the directions it is inevitably meant to more in. Already I see the future of gaming poking its head through the old gaming and im excited. Spiderman 3 showed how a game character reacting to situational events can make one feel as if the character and you are becoming one. An example of a game that will being doing this to an extreme level is GTA: 4. There are so many games that I will have to get in the near future but for now I am stuck with The Darkness for PS3, which is one of the most cinematicly pleasing games I have ever played, and Shadowrun, which is one of the most innovative first person shooters I have ever played. Who would have thought that combining magic and guns would equal hours of quality entertainment. Also replaying old video games, like Onimusha, Monster Rancher 4 and even revisiting the world of the original tomb raider through its ps2 remake has provided me with more entertainment then I would have thought possible. Apparently I can beat Onimusha in less than less than 5 hours completely stoned.
Well, That pretty much covers it for now. Maybe Ill keep updating, maybe I wont. Its been fun. |
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| Setting the seeds |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|03:20 pm] |
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HAHA slowly but surely my plan is working... |
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| I've tasted the forbidden fruit and want MORE |
[Apr. 8th, 2007|02:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Queen "Somebody to love" | ] |
Why must my life become complicated. For a while I was content with being alone but now with the arrival of spring I can't control myself. No strings, isn't that what we said? We thats gone to hell. Perfect timing.
I decided I'm done even trying It will only lead to frustration. Im better than this!
A warm body is all I need.
I've decided something. Im tired of being complacent with my current situation. Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. I will see how far I've progressed and take steps accordingly. I must LOSE WEIGHT. People think that its not a big deal to be overweight but it effects everything I do. I look in the mirror in disgust and never do anything about it. Yeah Im venting...SO WHAT. Why confine myself to this blubbery prison. I honestly feel trapped within myself. GOD DAMNIT I have to be in 4 hours! FUCK ME! |
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| HA amazing |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|01:50 am] |
, you're now logged in! Below you'll find your test result. After, continue on to your homescreen to discover what we're about.
Niki/Jessica Sanders
You scored 16 Idealism, 83 Nonconformity, 29 Nerdiness |
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm not sure it's me looking back.Congratulations, you're Niki and/or Jessica Sanders! You get the honor of being the one character who is, in fact, two people! You have an especially dynamic and unpredictable nature. While you may seem like a good, caring, hard-working person at first glance, you have one seriously badass side that can overcome you at any moment. Whenever this side of you comes out, there is no fight you can't win, no obstacle you cannot overcome. Your best quality: Protective instincts -- you will stop at nothing for the people you love Your worst quality: Violent tendencies -- you will stop at nothing for the people you love |
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 99% on Idealism |
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You scored higher than 99% on Nonconformity |
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You scored higher than 99% on Nerdiness |
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| just a silly self realization. |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|01:55 am] |
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I dont understand myself at the moment. I am very unhappy but I can't put my finger on the reason. Lately I feel that life is leaving me behind, but its my fault. I confine myself to my suite and shut out the world. I am constantly ashamed of myself and how I look. I am overweight and I have no self control. I have a negative self image and I dont think I deserve have the things I get. I smoke way too much (But not lately! I've been good and fought temptation) but dont feel bad about it since I dont drink. IM A FUCKING JUNIOR IN COLLEGE and have yet to have a boyfriend. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! and not in the sense of "what is wrong with that makes all the boys dislike me" I know what makes the boys dislike me. But for real, i am having an Identity crisis and dont know where to turn. I feel like I should go to a mountain and sit, by myself, for about a year and then come back to the real world. My brain feels like its tearing itself apart and I can do nothing to stop it. I miss myself. I miss being happy and not caring about other people. fuck it, alcohol is not good for my mental state, even two beers. Goodnight all. |
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| Let's recap shall we? |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|02:06 am] |
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In 23.5 hours I will be 20. 20 years of age, that awkward place where you're an adult but still can not buy alcohol. Like I buy alcohol anyways. I can't really complain about my life leading up until now, (Which is a lie and im sure I will be complain about my life at some point in this update) and im content with some of the things i have accomplished. Recently I've been have way too much fun but hey, we're all allow our moments. Life is starting to finally hit me, and I think im beinning to know what my future may consist of. There have been moments in the past two weeks where I wasn't happy about what I thought my future could possible bring but im over that now. There is not much to say about this past semester of school other than the fact i can be a borderline pothead and still pull a 3.5 gpa. well I hate to cut this short but Im am altogether bored with Livejournal and im going to play Okami some more. Goodnight all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|12:34 am] |
So what should be done with the emptyness? Fill it up with nothing? Leave it void of matter? ignore it all together? or embrase it with a flat back on a cloud of cotton and down comforters. Let it take you away.
Next thought.
Defying Gravity just came on. I miss emotion. I miss my friends. Life is changing around me. Actually I think life is just catching up. Im realizing who my real friends are and those people who just forget about you when your not around. I've won the battle that was my voice! I've decided things about my life, such as I am happy being single and why mess up a good thing. I mean, yeah, who wouldn't want someone to hold at night, but thats why I have my body pillow!
Next Thought.
I've realized through belting comes a sense of mortality. Your voice gets a lifespand of its own. When you think about this you come to realize that the belts of this world are a sad group indeed. We are using them for their talents in this moment of time and when they are used up there is someone younger and better waiting to cut them off at the heels! It hurts me to think about this. In a sense belters are sacraficing themselves to the masses, giving the people what they want even if it means giving up years of their singing career.
Next Thought.
School is almost over. I am almost 20. That is unreal. I dont care about being a musician and the elitist attitude that goes with it. I dont want to be in theatre because I can't act and I dont care to. I want to make money because so far money has never been an issue and I want to keep it that way. When money is not the ruling factor in your life you are finally free. So for me that is a double edged sword. Making money will be a ruling factor in my career so I can be free of the financial constriants of societ. Fuck it.
Next Thought.
I feel so uncomfortable with myself lately
Next Thought.
My room is a representation of my year thus far. There are not posters on my wall for I dont know how to express myself creatively. But there are 5 pieces of paper. 2 yellow, 2 purple and 1 blue. These were not meant to represent the outside influences of my life but have so accurately. 5 suitemates, two sets of roommates and a former roommate inhabitating the other single. Certain Idea of what I thought they were have changed but still they are there. My floor is a mess And I feel like im falling through the whole of this situation.
Next Thought.
I believe the Nyquil is finally kicking in
Next Thought.
FUCK SPELLCHECK!
Next Thought.
I believe it is time for bed. I really dont know how to say this but here it goes. You are a cunt. A silly little piss slit! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|05:45 pm] |
Your results:
You are Green Lantern
| Green Lantern |
| 75% |
| Superman |
| 70% |
| Batman |
| 60% |
| Catwoman |
| 60% |
| Iron Man |
| 60% |
| Robin |
| 57% |
| Spider-Man |
| 55% |
| Supergirl |
| 50% |
| Wonder Woman |
| 50% |
| The Flash |
| 45% |
| Hulk |
| 40% |
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Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.
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Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|12:55 am] |
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I am happy right now and I dont think I should be. I am happy because...well... i really don't know why but I do know that I am happy at this moment in time. It seems that all the people around me are not though. Everyone seems to be having their own personal drama and I am merely the audience. Mind you I like a good drama every now and then but this is getting AbsurD! People wanting to transfer, new relationship, the unwillingness to let old relationship burn away, and even death. I can not elaborate on this subject any longer for eyes not only belonging to myself wander over the text on this page. But I assure you every problem has been seen to and is swiftly being taken care of. And as interesting as all these little dramas are, Nothing is happening to me. I am not at all upset about that really, because my life is pretty simple and I like it that may. I would make a good woman. I hope that one day I can find the one i am looking for though since that is the ultimate goal. When we find everything were looking for than the two that were once one can be whole once more! ....Well that was a fun place we just went, now wasn't it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|11:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  and sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kelly Clarkson "walk away" | ] |
Hello all, its been a long time. Most probably think I have forgotten about livejournal, but I have not. I decided to make an entry since I can't really deal with whats happening to my life. So if you dont want to deal with this annoying post (Honestly I don't even want to deal with this annoying post) then stop reading....now.
( this is not meant for you )
ok im done
Im not looking for sympathy, or comments, or attention, I just needed to get this out of my head. If I eliminate the bad there can only be good...right? who knows, not me thats for sure. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|09:47 am] |
As most of my friends know, I recently got a new car. Pontiac Grand Am 2003. Yesterday I decided to get a nice car wash at Splash, it was a little expensive but my car looked nice and shinny! On my way home I decided to not park in my driveway, since there are two trees that hang over it. Then I decided to pull up a little more to 1) make room for my mom 2) get a little closer to the curb. With all these decisions I have made about my car, none of them would be as important as someone elses decision to back into my barely 2 week old (in my possession ) car, and run from the scene of the crime.
My dad woke me up an hour early, and told me this immediately. I can not explain the anger that I felt. That I had no control over this situation, the damage has been done and no guilty party can be found. So let it be known throughout the entire blogging community, FUCK THE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT! |
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